"I hate that word, it's so Daily Mail"

Now, one more thing while I'm at it. Google is a marvellous thing, we'll mostly agree on that. But it does get people HERE under the wrong impression. Every day I get several dozen visits to this little blog-home of mine via searches such as "Ingleses em Portugal" "Vida moderna em Portugal" "Estrangeiros Portugal" etc. all of which lead people to various articles of mine that are being less than generous to this country, instead of to posts that suggest that I MIGHT JUST BE TAKING THE PISS, although everything is based in truth. Every few days I either get a comment left or an email that then says "who the fuck are you?" or "get out of my country!" or "I don't live there any more, but how dare you say bad things about Portugal?!" or even "We know where you live". Right. Listen. I'm going to say these following things only once more because, if you have paid attention above you'd know, I am too damn busy to keep deleting the shit. I am going to attach so much bloody meta data to this post that google will just see it first even if you google "are there ants on Mars and are they green?" Ready? And forgive me if I sound a bit pissy and a bit goddam arrogant. But, damn it, I have earned the right to. So bloody there.

1. In October 2009, I will have lived in this country for ten years. I speak fluent Portuguese, shockingly so for a Briton. I live my life in Portuguese, I watch Portuguese television, I read Portuguese newspapers. I occasionally write in Portuguese and I get words wrong and I get jumped on for it. My kids go to Portuguese schools. I remain resolutely British, but I live my life HERE, with my Portuguese friends and my Portuguese family. I'm a Briton, I'm British. I'm NOT a Brit. I hate that word, it's so Daily Mail.

2. My husband is Portuguese and is quite a clever bloke and agrees with virtually everything I say about Portugal (except he loves eating fish brains), as do most of my Portuguese friends, although they are allowed one disagree per week, if they behave.

3. Portugal IS a beautiful country, but it DOES have many faults and is badly looked after by many Portuguese people.

4. The "Portuguese way of life" is a strange myth invented by the British and the Germans and the Dutch who all come here in search of it, but that's their problem. It's just warmer, the fish is fresher and the beer is cheaper. Most other things, like working, laundry, washing-up, traffic jams, in-laws, sore feet, etc., are pretty similar, so get over it, you forrins.

5. Everyone has an opinion about the British. Everyone in the world. We are universally despised. If you are a Briton and didn't know that, then you're an idiot. I have heard so much shit spouted at me about the British and Britain over the last ten years that is utter drivel or sometimes true, but mostly from people who've never even set a foot past the Portugal-Spain border. I've also heard the same drivel the other way round. And that's why I write this shit.

6. If you don't have a sense of humour, a sense of humility, a sense of the ironic or a sense of being a bit silly and letting it all hang out, please just don't come here. Just leave. You won't like it here. I barely even talk about Portugal any more, I've said pretty much all I have to say on the matter, the culture shock has left the system, although I'm still proud of what I've written and it stays where it is.

I think that is all I have to say right now. Yes. If you have something to say, please do, but do it in the spirit of this light and fluffy nuthole that is this blog. There's the guestbook or the comment boxes.

Right. I have knickers to pack.

Lucy Pepper. Aqui.